Confusing Identities
Part 1:
Being stupid is smart, sometimes time saving and it helps
circumventing ‘brainy folks’ and their conversations in a polite way. I get
bugged of people real quickly and I struggle with conversations after few good
lines if I don’t share the same wave length and I find it difficult to dismiss
them. I with multiple personalities, consciously put on diverse masks and did
sound modulation after a quick assumption of the person I just met and figured
their interests from the talk they initiated. I was actually pulled
into discourses by friends and family. I
didn’t want to exhibit myself as an anti-social, I was fashioned and
brainwashed to get into people’s good books and since I was too lazy and
underprivileged to challenge their ideologies I performed my roles with utter
sincerity. Shakespeare’s Seven Ages played at the backdrop of my mind every
time I put a fresh mask, a dissimilar smile and burnt my mind with the topics
they came up with. I desperately wanted to get out of them. Well, I managed to
project my true self after few years of nominations for the best child artist.
My parents are from upright families, they are educated,
they belong to this category of “modest-gentle-class people” and sadly I’m
their only child to inherit all the family traditions. I grew into someone with
no extraordinary qualities and I got bored of this ‘non-extraordinariness’. I
started projecting the accurate self- disorganized bedroom, uncivilized ways of
eating and sitting, average student at school, a tan skinned curly haired
ghost. I don’t exactly remember the day they termed me “un-conventional” but
with that tag I broke few rules, family traditions and splendid legacy they
continued. Wait. I was still the “good girl” for odd reasons, they fancied me.
Then it happened, my neighbourhood started playing chinese whispers and after
few impatient years of my disappearance, my image in the arena went through
serious alterations. They dragged me into bloody conversations. Seven Ages
started playing at my backstage in a brasher mode and I dug out all those
historic masks and gestures I buried inside my sack. Definitely few more
nominations.
I wanted to escape things, deliberate rejection, being
stupid was the only way out. I said the stupidest of things when people asked
me suggestions, gave a genuine blank face when I had some clue of what they
spoke, Idon’tknows instantly jumped
out of my mouth when questions flew to me and gave a totally naïve attitude
when they quizzed to figure me out. I certainly did a good job. *pat on my
shoulders*. Some started to ignore my existence while some others suspected my
certificates. Honestly speaking I enjoyed being stupid. I learnt new things, to
critique and think rather than swallowing, the art of listening and the bliss
of a neutral stand. You give another person an opportunity to express his
viewpoints without the horrors of judgment (yeah feedbacks are necessary but
not always needed), you give him time and an ear and a noble feeling and you
give him an opportunity to transport the genuine self without inflections and
modifications. Today I don’t get nominations, I’m stupid (Hopeful of shedding
it too. Someday. ) and that saves a whole lot of energy, time and annoying conversations.
And people who took struggle to teach me, there are no masks and I’m still a
good listener and student and they get glimpses of their lectures and that makes them hopeful. And I guess Seven Ages stopped playing.
Recently I had a long
conversation with my Aunt’s friend, he spoke of all the things that amused me-
Poetry- Rafi’s Gazals-Cuban Revolution-Romance- Travelling-Food and I tell you
I was flattered, I had no masks inside my pocket. After few minutes of his lecture,
I started talking, I poured my brain and heart out and he listened patiently
and then he said “You’re a Kamla Das line I should say. It’s good but you know
rather dangerous, you’ll be an outcast, being a woman you should never
project…”, I wanted to scream, tell him “ **** you”. I said Thank you this
time. Walked Off. (Improved?)
Part 2:
I was talking over phone to a friend, usual gossips.
F: So, what did you do today?
D: Cooking, little cleaning left.
F: *Laugh*
D: Whaaat?
F: What happened to all modern philosophies, feminist
theories, travel plans and revolution? You’ve become one typical bhabhi Devu. Marriage plans?
D: ( I don’t want to act stupid. Shedding it too Devu? I
guess) You know what you gave me an idea to write something. I have a blog.
I’ll text the link. Ok?
I’m confused? Are they confused?
When did modernity got reduced to jeans and t-shirt,
lipstick and pop music? How do I become an ‘exploited woman’ wanting for
liberation if I cook the food I like and clean my house? If I sit at home and
do ‘nothing productive’ is synonym to a 22 year old waiting to get into
marriage market?
I feel a lot of people confuse being modern with being
western. Everything western need not be modern. I can be as modern as a party
going easy go lazy girl of London when I’m home wearing silken skirt and
jingling anklets cleaning my home. I’m modern in my own sense putting coconut
oil on my hair and taking a hot water bath. I’m a feminist while cooking food I
like and giving a head massage to my Dad. I’m progressive but I guess I’m
rooted as well. I want to see new people, read and write, travel and eat
delicious food but I guess I want to talk to Beena every evening, take my Dad
for movies and visit the temple with my Ammamma to make her happy. I think of all
the places I want to see and the books I want to read and make accurate plans
which may or may not work, I’m happy, nothing else matters. Lastly, marriage.
Like Amitab Bachchan says in ‘Piku’ “Marriage is a low IQ decision. You can get
married but it should have a purpose.” I don’t right now see any need to get
married, I’m in full harmony with myself. In case I find a purpose and an
equally cracked one, I’ll think of marriage, then.( Did I answer you F?)